Dispatches from Outland
A little song. A little dance. A little seltzer down your pants. Copyright © 2003 Roy M. Jacobsen.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002  

KiloWords Department: Sometimes a description of something is so apt I can see exactly what the writer is talking about. James Lileks accomplishes this in explaining why Toricelli resigned:

He resigned because there was such a bad odor coming from him and his campaign that actual wavy cartoon stink lines were coming off him, and the cameras were starting to pick it up.
You just can't improve on that word picture.

posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 4:57 PM

Tuesday, October 01, 2002  

Sacred Cows Make The Best Hamburger Department: Hah! I said it before, and I'll say it again: Self-esteem is overrated. And here's the evidence. "'D' students, it turns out, think as highly of themselves as valedictorians, and serial rapists are no more likely to ooze with insecurities than doctors or bank managers."

posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 9:00 AM

Monday, September 30, 2002  

Please Stand By Department: OK, my template got boogered, so all the goodies I've added are temporarily AWOL. Hang on a bit, and they'll be back.

posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 9:44 AM

This Is Only A Test Department: For your edification, we present . . .

The No-Nonsense Personality Inventory.

For each item answer: L (Like me), S (Somewhat like me), or N (Not like me)

___ I salivate at the sight of mittens.
___ At times I am afraid that my toes will fall off.
___ As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
___ Some people look at me.
___ I often use the word “feh”.
___ Spinach makes me feel alone.
___ Sometimes I steal objects like cottonballs and Q-tips.
___ I believe cousins are not to be trusted.
___ Other people’s warts don’t make me self-conscious.
___ Sometimes I think someone is trying to take over my stomach.
___ Often I think I am a special agent of Slim Whitman.
___ I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
___ My teeth sometimes leave my body.
___ I think plaid stamps are better than green stamps.
___ Recently I have been getting shorter.
___ I think I would like the work of a hummingbird.
___ I have always been disturbed by the size of Lincoln’s ears.
___ I often repeat myself.
___ Most of the time, I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
___ It makes me angry to have people bury me.
___ Chicklets make me sweat.
___ I often repeat myself.
___ I believe that I smell as good as most people.
___ I stay in the bathtub until I look like a raisin.
___ I believe most people vomit out of spite.
___ Constantly losing my underwear doesn’t bother me.
___ It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I am in a room full of cockroaches.
___ I believe that halitosis is better than no breath at all.
___ Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
___ I believe in life after birth.
___ I like to put chameleons on plaid cloth.
___ Some songs make me burp.
___ I often dream of Kate Smith.
___ I never seem to finish whatever I

(NB: If you want to blame someone, blame Bene Diction for posting the MMPI: the McMaster Madness Plagerized Inventory.)

posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 9:00 AM

Cool New Blog Department: Religious Left Watch. (Link via Joyful Christian.)

posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 8:42 AM

By Any Other Name Department: Zach Frey reports finding "dehydrated cane juice" listed as an ingredient of a "healthy" snack food.

I'm not sure what's worse: The company trying to obfuscate the fact that their product contains <shudder> sugar, or the fact that this will fool some people.

posted by Roy M. Jacobsen at 8:22 AM
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